Airport Do's and Don't. Mostly just DON'T.

When you make the decision to travel via plane you knowingly put your sanity in the hands of thousands of random (mostly annoying) strangers. You also consent to breathing in recirculated body odor for the duration of your flight. I'm not "well-traveled" by any means, but I've been in and out of LAX enough times to have learned my share of Airport Etiquette. Let's review:

1) When flying Southwest plan on lining up numerically. But don't come ask to see my ticket so you can confirm I'M in the right spot. If you're 37 and I'm 38, get in line behind me anyway. Don't be such an overachiever.

2) It's an airport bathroom, if you're curling your hair or brushing your teeth before leaving the airport you probably don't live with your boyfriend yet. Kind of a cute concept, but don't hog the mirror space. I need to see how flat my hair got.

3) When the flight attendant asks you to please finish you drink because we're preparing to land, just finish your drink. This isn't a cocktail party, it's an 8$ "glass" of cheap chardonnay- HAND IT OVER.

4) Don't take your shoes off on a plane. Ever. I'm sure your feet don't smell but the minute I know you took your shoes off I start sniffing around awkwardly.

5) When the flight attendant asks you to turn off your phone, please do. I don't want to die a fiery death b/c you were playing Words With Friends. If you must talk on the phone prior to take off, please mind the TMI because I'm definitely listening.

And last but NEVER least...
6) Personal space---obey it, and if you don't know it, learn it (before you get knocked out).

Peace. Love. First Class.

Have Baby...Won't Travel.

I love having a baby...and I love traveling. I don't love traveling with a baby. Honestly, the whole idea makes my insides knot up into this tightly-wound (big) anxiety ball. Everything from security, to boarding, to take off is stress inducing. The irony being, my daughter actually does really well on planes- I dont. I'm a little chlostrophobic (among other things) and the thought of squeezing in between two random people and watching them judge me as I try to calm my child literally sends shivers down my spine.

My first plan flight alone with the baby was an utter FAIL. I got to the airport 2 hours early, only to find that the flight was 40 minutes delayed. 3 hours of strolling around an annoyed almost-toddler, 4 diaper changes, 2 bottles of formula and a big ass Aunt Annie's pretzel later and it was finally time to board. I figured that since I had a baby I could just walk right up to the gate where I would be offered assistance and condolences. Wrong. I waited for the entire A group to board, and then finally made my way to the front of the line. 10 other passengers anxiously waited as I tried to unlock the stroller with one hand, while juggling the baby with the other. That's when shit started getting real.

 I sat down next to the window and prayed no one would sit down next to me. Sure enough a 10 year old girl found a cozy place btwn her mother and I. Cool, ten year olds can't be that judgey, right? After fastening the seat belt and saying one last prayer, the captain proceeded to let us know that we'd be "taxi'ing" on the runway for another 15 minutes. The re-circulated air turned stale and my hands started to shake. Hearing those words literally drained whatever strength I had left and I started to feel dizzy. I looked over at aforementioned 10 year old and desperately begged her to hold my baby because I was sure I was going to faint. I didn't faint- I just looked like an idiot. Long story short, the 45 minutes went by relatively fast and the baby and I both exited the plane unscathed.

The next 3 plane flights were more of the same. I normally cry---the baby normally doesn't.

This time tomorrow Justin and I will be boarding a plane to LA, with our favorite little frequent flyer. I'm going to be brave, and I'm going to stay positive (because mommy's packing tequila and downers).

Putting the Tude in Gratitude

Sometimes I avoid saying how grateful I am for fear of sounding as annoying as other people sound when they say it. I'm grateful for most things, big and small, still, I don't feel compelled to update my facebook page every time I hit a green light. Well today, I feel compelled (no, I didn't have wine with my cereal).

I think sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for the amazing things we create in our own lives. If something goes wrong, we have no problem blaming ourselves. But, if something goes right, we attribute it to luck, being in the right place at the right time, etc.

Twenty-seven years, a hot ass baby, a loving fiance, and a great career later and I'm finally starting to believe that I deserve everything I've been given and that, in some way, I've created. I think about my good fortunes and I can easily attribute 99% of them to the people who have come, and gone in the past 27 years.

So my "emo" feeling for today is this:
If everything you do comes from a place of good intentions and sincerity, then the Universe will take care of you (be it financially, emotionally, whatever). If you want something, ask for it--you'll be surprised at how rarely you'll hear "no". And the more you hear "yes" the more unstoppable you will feel. If you always let your moral compass guide you, insane opportunities will present themselves and you'll be in a place to accept them without feelings of guilt. And finally, let good people into your life, and prepare to be educated, inspired and fulfilled.

So cheers to everyone who has ever mentored me, loved me, broken up with me, and waved at me when I let them pass on the freeway (so rare!).

An Ode to My Daughter on her 1st Birthday:

--I’m going to tell you you’re beautiful every day for the rest of your life, but this doesn’t get you off the hook. Stay humble, be considerate, and always treat ugly people with kindness.

--Always laugh at yourself, and not at other people’s expense (unless they trip, hahaha)

--I’ll always be here to answer any questions you have---unless it comes to homework, in which case, ask your Dad.

--If you want a tattoo, just wait…I guarantee you when you’re 30 that tweety bird ankle tattoo won’t be as cute as you thought it was at 16. If you HAVE to get a tattoo make sure it reads “BALD” in Old English.

--When, not if, you decide to go gothic for a week, just know that your dad will be pissed. I won’t be mad, I just don’t want to take you to a renaissance fair or shop with you at Hot Topic.

--If you decide to be a stripper make sure you get a cool stage name, like Jasmime, so I can tell everyone you’re a “performer” at Disneyland. Better yet, don’t be a stripper.

--Be careful with tequila. Know how many shots make you want to dance, and how many make you want to take your clothes off…find the balance between the two.

--There’s nothing wrong with being over dramatic---that’s how movie stars are made!

--Eat healthy, take care of your body and find a good self-tanning lotion that doesn’t streak.       

--20 years from now, please tell me that I was a good mom—I’ll need to hear it. And no matter what happens in life, just know that you're my favorite.

Shine on Player!

Self- Tanner is weight-loss in a bottle. It can take you from a 5 to an 8, if applied right. However, with my upcoming nuptials fast approaching, I've decided it's time to glow from the inside out.

And so my Journey begins...

Cleansing the mind/body: My mindful eating all began after reading Jillian Michael's "Master Your Metabolism". If you have time to read " Fifty Shades of Grey", or you spend at least 30 minutes on facebook each day, you have time to read up on the crap that's in your food.
http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/clean-eating

In an effort to rid my body of everyday toxins that I've ingested (sometimes knowingly, sometimes not) I recently ordered the Standard Process Cleanse. 
It's simple, eat clean, eat often, and exercize. They say you should abstain from caffeine and alcohol, but let's be serious!
http://www.standardprocess.com/display/displayFile.aspx?docid=442&filename=/Public/Lit/Miscellaneous/purificationguideL2605.pdf

So far, I feel amazing! I feel light, and clean, and I'm hardly ever hungry. I've dropped 4lbs since Monday but I'm sure that's just water weight and whatever bad attitude I shed since then.

Exercizing the demons: I've always liked working out but I've never been one for group exercize. I think sweating in a room full of other people is awkward, and I swear someone always farts. So imagine my surprise when I recently attended Bikram Yoga and Hot Pilates and LOVED both. I love the fact that I get to sweat my balls off without having to sit next to a bunch of naked asian women in a gym sauna. I really thought the heat would kill me, but if you work out hard enough you totally forget about the 105 degree  temp. I didn't even notice anyone farting.
I recommend:
http://www.vegashot.com/
http://hotpilateslasvegas.com/

When in doubt, have it poked out: It all started with a $300 Groupon Credit. You'd be amazed at what you'll buy when you have a Groupon Credit. My first impulse purchase was 3 sessions of Acupuncture. I've always been interested in Oriental Medicine (don't worry, I think it's PC to say "oriental" in this case). Some people have PMS, I have PMR (premenstural RAGE)---and there's nothing normal about it. Once a month, I feel this little angry ball form in my stomach and I know it's on. I normally spend the next week crying, eating carbs, feeling guilty about eating carbs, yelling at my fiance, and then crying some more. I had read that if done correctly, acupuncture could help relieve symptoms of PMS---SIGN ME UP! It was all very simple, I walked in, she stuck needles all over my body, she left me alone in the room for 30 minutes, then she came back, removed the needles, I tip'd her, and I left. I told myself if nothing else, it was the best 30 minute nap I'd had. Later that night I woke up dripping with sweat--I also had numerous hallucinogenic dreams, BUT I woke up happy! I went back for a follow up session today. I know it must be working, b/c I haven't thrown anything at my fiance since this time last month ;)


***If you're still not digging it, I have a great plastic surgeon and botox "artist" I'd be happy to refer you to***

1st Annual White Party was a Huge Success!!

If ever you decide to throw one yourself, my tips are as follows:

Tip#1 Invite a whole lot of white people, and hope they show up

Tip#2 Get your tan on at least 2 days before the party (there's nothing worse than your orange glow rubbing off on your crisp whites)

Tip#3 Try not to spill on yourself

Tip#4 Have at least 6 bottle of champ, 4 cases of beer, and 3 bottles of Skinny Girl marg on hand (unless you want your party to suck, then serve iced tea)

Tip #5 Stock up on tons of cheap white flower's from Trader Joe's

Tip#6 Last but not least...try not to poop your pants

All my friends are blogging...I don't get it, and I don't like it. But if you can't beat 'em, blog it.

We'll start with the lowdown:
-Full-time Mom to the notorious D-Y-L-A-N, aka D$, phonetically spent DMuns,
-Full-time Realtor w/ RE/MAX Extreme: Buying, Selling, Residential, Investment, and so on...
-Part-time Lover (w/ full Benefits) finally making it official this September (more on that later)

I have two dogs, both adopted. No cats. Justin said if I can teach the baby to say "cat" we can adopt one of those too. I like tequila on the rocks, salt on the rim w/ 5 limes. I'm a firm believer in the old saying "if you can't tone it, tan it" (I have a great spray tan girl if you're also a "believer"). I don't have a ton of friends, but the friends I do have know the importance of cheap wine, expensive cheese, and a good therapist.

My normal day goes something like this: Wake up, change baby, shower, put baby down for a nap (protest), work, blackberry dings, head into the office, blackberry dings, laptop on, fax/scan/print, blackberry dings, hot pilates or bikram (blackberry on silent), spray tan, blackberry dings, Trader Joe's to pick up dinner, home, blackberry dings, throw blackberry, cook dinner, feed baby, clean baby food off the floor, bottle of wine, dark chocolate, laxative tea, bed. (I'll mess with the font a bit more next time)


Speaking of, time to go pay attention to my fiance and tickle my child...until tomorrow.